exercise · motivational

#Throwback Thursday

Who else feels this week is going by really slowly? Is it because we are all anxious for the holidays to start is it just me? I also have lots of exciting things coming up in the next month and a half, like graduating with my Master’s degree, totally not anxious about that at all….. who am I kidding, I am geeking out to walk across the stage and get my diploma!

So, it’s Thursday, and I want to throw it back a bit and talk about one of the topics that inspired me to start a blog. If you look at my picture up above you see a woman who looks strong and confident, however, I can honestly tell you that everyday is a battle in my own head about how my body looks.

IMG_0395 me now

Pic 1: Me in 2010 during a bad time in my life and 15# heavier. Pic 2: Me with my favorite Crossfit athlete, Lauren Fisher in August 2014. Healthier, happier, and in the best shape of my life.

When I was 11 years old, I was told by a lifeguard at a local water park in Milwaukee that I was too “fat” to go down the water slide with my friends. He had me go back down the stairs and wait for them at the bottom. I was never too “fat” to go down a water slide, but I was a little bit chunky as a young girl. Ever since this comment was made it has haunted me. I am 28 years old now and it still haunts me. Most days when I look in the mirror I have to search very hard to find something that I like about how I look. Some days, it is easy. It could be that my quads look really good from all the squats we did at Crossfit the day before or maybe my shoulders look great from all the snatches we did that morning. But, more days than not, my eyes go straight to what I see as my “fat” belly. In reality I know it is not “fat” and my husband is always on my case about it and tells me I look fantastic. But, (there is that nasty word), I have the hardest time trying to believe him.

There are many factors that cause me to have this hard time I am sure of it. It is all mental, whether it is conscious or subconscious. Like I said before, some days I can work through it, and it should be that easy everyday. Maybe I let myself fall back into the mindset I had at 11 years old, scared and worried that I really am too heavy and need to lose weight. Or maybe I just want to feel that way and make myself workout as much as possible and eat as clean as possible all the time.

These behaviors do bother me because it can be viewed at as a body image issue. Yes, I do think I have a problem there, but everyday I work to show myself and others who have the same problem that I am beautiful, no matter what my stomach looks like, or my butt, I work to show myself that I have worked hard to get to where I am today. I am strong, I am muscular, and I am healthy.

To any women or even men out there who might have this same issue, remember you are not alone. Never ever think you are. Please ignore what the models/actors look like in magazines or on TV or in the movies, they look the way they need to for their jobs and trust me I bet most of them are not happy always being scrutinized for how they look 24/7. If you are keeping up a regular workout routine, eating a healthy diet that works for you, and keep a positive outlook on life, you are doing great. You have your family supporting you, your friends, and now me. We will always be there for you. Don’t let the mirror be the enemy like it can be at times. If you struggle one day to find something you like, work as hard as you can to push that negative thought aside and think what you have accomplished to get where you are. If it helps, before I started Crossfit, I was scared to lift a 45# barbell up to my waist or over my head, but now I can split jerk 150# over my head and get such a rush from that. And I can deadlift 225#, no more fear there!

So, the word for the day is confidence. Be confident in who you are. Be confident in the progress you have made in your journey. Be confident in the life you are living. Be confident in who you are. I am of all of you.

-Courtny

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